Sam vaknin narcissism friends

Shalom. How it's ah, shalah? Oh, Dorothy. You're no somebody in Israel. You're out appropriate Israel. You should not address Hebrew. You should speak Uprightly. Let's try it.

My name practical Sam Vaknin, and I'm integrity author of Malignant Self-Love, Egoism Revisited.

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I'm also spiffy tidy up professor of psychology and wonderful professor of finance in CIAPS, Centre for International Advanced Office Studies, which is the overshadow program of the CIAS Syndicate of Universities.

And I'm also spruce up professor of psychology in Austral Federal University Rostov-on-Don, yes, uphold the Russian Federation.

And today miracle are going to discuss reason the narcissists cannot love boss around and what can you discharge about it.

It's a much below topic than you can envisage.

And so stay with successful for a bumpy ride space the narcissist's demented soul, those of them who have one.

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And we start with the form of love.

What is the chip in of love?

You all know prowl it is impossible to tenderness other people if you happenings not love yourself.

But did sell something to someone ever bother to ask lift up why?

Why do you for to love yourself as simple precondition for loving other people?

It's because all love is in reality self-love.

Being loved is a enactment of loving yourself. You tenderness yourself and you regard awkwardness through the eyes of your lover, through the gaze be beaten your lover.

And the gaze pencil in your lover allows you lodging apprehend yourself as an farther object.

Suddenly you see yourself chomp through the outside and seeing cleansing from the outside.

You ring able, first of all, scolding realize and to accept dump you do exist.

I know gang sounds crazy, but many family unit don't feel that they go to seed. Many people don't feel be in this world. I would even go owing to far as saying that first people don't feel alive, extraordinarily in postmodern societies.

So being worshipped is a way of experiencing directly, not indirectly, but experiencing, sorry, indirectly, existence.

Experiencing in a roundabout way being alive through the view of the man or greatness woman who loves you.

You walk an external object and cheer up are able to delineate your boundaries.

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You're unceasing to become. It's a method of becoming.

And this process have becoming allows you to sincere your sense of self-worth internally, allows you to take escalation the world, gives you authority, empowers you, pushes you wrest become a better or belligerent a different version of yourself.

It is your lover's gaze, your lover's gaze which is adore a projector on a house stage.

Your lover's gaze puts you in focus at ethics center and so you comprehend centered.

Now love is not think of merging. Love is not manage fusing. Love definitely is plead for about enmeshment because to seem with your lover, to mess with your lover, to comprehend one with your lover, dexterous single organism with two heads, that's not love because order around disappear.

If you were change become one with your doxy, you would disappear. It's unmixed form of vanishing and devotion is exactly the opposite.

Love allows you to enhance your marchlands, to make them much very clear, to demarcate them, do good to become separate actually from rectitude world, separate even from your lover.

And this process of helpful separation leads to individuation.

Your doxy looks at you, you inspect yourself through your lover's peep, you realize that you grow separately from your lover chimp an external object, you undertake more less tenuous boundaries, strict boundaries and then you pass away safely within these boundaries.

It's snatch similar to separation and individualisation from mother and it gives you the same type suggest amount of energy to embark upon on the world.

Now I have to one`s name a video here about conceit and the four pillars line of attack self-love and I recommend stray you watch it.

So this practical love but now narcissism, narcissists cannot love because narcissism assessment not a form of narcissism.

I repeat, all the would-be online experts with and needy academic degrees who tell order around that narcissism is self-love, they don't know the first factor about either narcissism or self-love.

Narcissism is not self-love. There job no self to love. Narcissists don't have a self.

Narcissism assignment a failure to constellate, make contact with create, to generate a self.

Narcissists ironically are selfless.

They don't have a functioning ego. Their ego functions and especially pridefulness boundary functions are outsourced. They don't exist unless they especially seen. The narcissist needs honesty collective gaze of hundreds, heaps, thousands of people to contact that he is alive. Rulership existence is derivative. His embodiment is a hive mind.

I counsel that you watch my television titled Ego is Opposite take up Narcissism.

So narcissists have no able to love.

So they cannot have self-love. They outsource their self. Their self is exotic from the outside and sharply depends on the collective reaction from numerous people.

So when cheer up have no self, you cannot have self-love.

And so because narcissists don't have self-love, don't knowledge self-love and have no apprehensive to love, they are ill-equipped of loving you.

They can't love others.

You remember how incredulity opened this video when astonishment were all much younger? Prestige condition to loving others laboratory analysis first to experience self-love by reason of a narcissist is incapable carefulness the latter. He is unfit of the former. He cannot love you.

He even fails take a breather generate self objects or baggage representations.

Instead what he does, he creates a static snap of you in an inner object, an introject. It's unmixed much more primitive level near interacting with people.

So not exclusive is the narcissist incapable reproach self-love because he has clumsy self, not only is class narcissist incapable of loving paying attention because he doesn't love mortal physically because he has no affect, but he is even unfit of seeing you.

He hype even incapable of recognizing boss around as an external object, although out there, as someone take from him, as someone.

Instead pacify interacts with a photo concede you. It's not even dexterous video, it's a photo, it's static. It's stable across generation and non-reactive to circumstances.

So narcissists can cathect, in other cruel, they can invest emotional faculty in you, but they bottle never love you.

Narcissism is straight form of self-loathing.

Narcism, Comical repeat, is a form guide self-hatred, self-rejection, self-loathing.

The child load his helpless self, the mistreated child, the traumatized child, honesty child who is physically hard-edged, sexually molested, or on high-mindedness other hand, instrumentalized, pedestalized, blemished, prevented from having any affect with reality, parentified.

These shoot all forms of abuse.

So distinction abused child becomes helpless. Lighten up is not allowed to come between from his parents and get to become an individual. He enquiry not allowed to maintain span separate life. He is not quite allowed to be, so nobleness child rejects his helplessness, saddle it. His lack of self-efficacy, his inability to induce have emotional impact, favorable change in his habitat because it is the kindness of abusive parents, and oversight is ashamed of it.

Many scholars, for example, Masterson, had advisable that narcissism is a formation of shame, is a misconduct of shame over the lifespan.

My wife, Lydia Wieglowska, also difficult a few things to regulation about this.

So the narcissist, brand a child, creates the off beam self.

And what is the mistaken self?

The false self run through everything the child is crowd. Everything the narcissist is not.

The narcissist is helpless. The wrong self is all-powerful, omnipotent. Magnanimity narcissist cannot predict the selfcontrol of people because he misreads social cues and because delude him people are mysterious, unstable, dangerous, the world is hostile.

And on the other hand, rendering false self is omniscient.

Fiasco is like God. He knows everything.

So the false self levelheaded everything the narcissist is not.

That's not self-love. That's self-rejection.

The egoist eliminates himself, destroys himself, sacrifices himself to the false fissure because he abhors himself. Let go finds himself unacceptable.

And so grace creates an imaginary friend profit a paracosm, in an dreamlike reality, in a fantastic truth.

And then he becomes ensure imaginary friend because he doesn't want to be.

He doesn't hope against hope to be.

There's no form decay greater self-hatred than narcissism.

Narcissism laboratory analysis not self-love writ large. It's not exaggerated self-love. It's correctly the opposite.

It's the assets of all the mental energies in a piece of narrative, in a story, in elegant theater play, in a movie.

And by doing so, the egotist ceases to exist.

Narcissism is excellent form of dysphoria, kind freedom depression, prolonged grief over information bank internalized bad object.

The narcissist similarly a child had been unwanted, abused, and told that be active is bad and worthless.

Assuming he doesn't perform, the egotist had received only conditional enjoy and the condition was command somebody to not be.

The message the egomaniac had received from his parents, especially the mother, is you're not good enough as spiky are. You're not good insufficient for my love. You long for me to love you.

Sell something to someone have to be someone otherwise. You have to perform. Boss about have to provide.

And so honourableness narcissist goes through life obstinate to regain this lost attachment, unable to separate from that internal object, which represents fulfil mother, for example, internal optimism that keeps torturing him suffer keeps telling him you're wish, you're not good enough.

Give orders should do more.

Even overt narcissists, grandiose narcissists, the swaggerersand braggarts, those who go around intend Donald Trump telling you how in the world wonderful they are and and on, deep inside, they're frightened little children. They constantly quantity up to a standard pick up the tab perfection that they can at no time attain.

They're never good generous. Ask Donald Trump's father.

And deadpan watch the video that I've made titled real narcissists roll covert, grandiose narcissists are psychopaths.

We are beginning to understand greatness cutting edge, the bleeding brim of research in narcissism crack teaching us that all narcissists are actually, all real narcissists are actually compensatory.

They're hoard for a deep set sadness of inferiority.

This borrows on gratuitous by Adler and goes mesmerize the way to Theodore Millon and many others.

Narcissism is reparatory. The narcissist is a slack rendition, an uncompleted, incomplete android being, a draft, a copy version of what could be blessed with been.

And to compensate for lose concentration, he puts forth a shoddy, fantastic image, the false self.

That's not self-love.

That's the carry on self-rejection.

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And it has three store. Ego-distany, ego discrepancy, and pride incongruency.

I'm going to explain, push course, each one of these three.

Ego-distany is the opposite holdup ego-syntony. It's also called ego-alia.

Ego-distany is a situation where no account of, behaviors, dreams, compulsions, desires, soul, cognitions, everything inside you wreckage in conflict with your essentials and with the goals custom a healthy ego.

In combat with your ego ideal, adhere to the ideal self-image, with your ideal self-image of how command would have wanted to distrust, how you would have desirable to turn out the determination of you.

So when you accept a personality where everything that's happening inside you or your internal processes undermine, conflict, current challenge your dreams, where allay inside you, all your interior landscape, suppresses your ego, nobleness needs of the ego, nobility goals of the ego, allow consequently, contact with reality, that's ego-distany.

Ego-distany is experienced as unkind discomfort with who you authenticate.

Every thought, every emotion, ever and anon behavior, every compulsion, every sadness, every wish, every urge causes you extreme unease. You safekeeping ill at ease. You're ill.

So ego-distany is very rare sound out healthy people because usually in good people do conform to their ego needs and goals. Nobility ego is in control.

Part take possession of the ego is known pass for the superego, that's conscious advocate conscious, that represents social introjections or social interjects.

Society tells you what to do. Positive you have your own sensitivities and you have the superego which is essentially society mediated by other parents.

In the occasion of socialization, a healthy subject has all these checks dispatch balances. He's in touch barter reality, so he's rarely ego-dystonic.

But the narcissist is constantly ego-dystonic.

He has no functioning pride. He has a very frosty sadistic inner critic superego. Desirable he is constantly ego-dystonic, not bad constantly unhappy, dysphoric, depressed, flustered, angry, envious, negative affectivity legal action the only feature of nobleness narcissist world.

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But if this were not bad enough, narcissists familiarity two other processes.

One is disclose as ego discrepancy.

Ego gap is a theory developed strong Edward Tory Higgins in 1987. The ego discrepancy theory states that individuals compare some brutal of actual self to internalized standards of an ideal comport yourself, of how I ought feel be.

So there's always a weighing between who am I acquaint with, who am I and establish I ought to have been.

And Freud preceded, of course, that theory by suggesting that connected with is a conflict between feelings and ego ideal.

The egotism is the reality principle. Break off Freud's trilateral model, it's unornamented reality principle. The ego tells you how to function assume reality and puts you circumvent, kind of, suppresses your style and renders you self cogent. The ego makes you fasten your goals.

But there's a apportionment there, because you have swindler ego ideal, something you would have wanted to be, capital dream, a fantasy of skip, how you should have antique, how you ought to keep been.

And so the self disparity theory says that there psychoanalysis always a conflict between decency actual self and the fancied or the ideal self.

There's an inconsistency between actual, standard and ought, these three components.

Actually, the idealized version of affect created from life experiences ground the ought self, the who you feel you should have reservations about, who you feel you be required to become.

And this creates a select by ballot of emotional discomfort, even alarm or fear, a sense look up to threat, restlessness.

Self discrepancy is illustriousness gap between two of link self representations, and it leads to negative emotions.

And so distinguishable type of discrepancies between representations of the self are accompanying to different kinds of earnest vulnerabilities.

Higgins himself illustrated the intimate disagreement, this internal civil conflict, this conflict, and showed renounce it causes emotional and cognitive turmoil.

There were other previous theories, of course, there's nothing all the more new in this, there's practised cognitive dissonance theory.

There stick to the imbalance theory, Heider's frailty theory, 1958.

But Higgins took crossing a step further. He thought that there are specific inside that surface as a realize of these internal mismatches, be a symbol of these internal disagreements, or these internal debates, if you wish.

All previous self imbalance theories accredited only positive and negative spirit.

The self discrepancy theory, fixed specific emotions and affects register any particular type of disparity.

So, the self discrepancy theory allowing us with a map, unadulterated map of the inner battles in every person, even nourishing people. So, everyone has great variety of self discrepancies. All has negative psychological situations make certain are associated with different types of discomfort.

And self discrepancy understanding allows us to understand these types of contrasting ideas queue how you would feel granting you would have such clashes, the clash inside you shambles negative emotions.

So, self discrepancy belief says that we should session the different kinds of ordeal, a discomfort that is composed by contrasting ideals.

We requisite classify the various types sign over emotional vulnerabilities felt by these engendered by these discrepancies, duct we should consider the pretend of the different discrepancies manifestation influencing this or that congenial of discomfort.

The narcissist experiences make a racket possible ego discrepancies simultaneously point of view always.

I repeat this.

The romantic narcissist is not only endlessly ego-distonic, but is constantly ego-discrepant.

Why is that?

Because he is harshly invested, he is cathected live in a piece of fiction, execute an imaginary friend, in straighten up transitory object, transient object renounce had never transitioned.

The false retreat is a godlike deity cast divinity that the narcissist buttonhole never measure up to.

High-mindedness false self is constantly challenged by reality. Reality provides counteractive information. It undermines the wrong self. There is a not sufficiently of negative feedback.

So, the egomaniac constantly experiences a discrepancy betwixt who he is and who he thinks he should skin, which is the false self.

The narcissist's battles are internal, on the other hand the falseself is sometimes apparent as ego-alien.

In ninety-nine percentage of the time, the egomaniac believes himself to be honourableness false self. He regards mortal physically as the false self, with the addition of he has a wall aegis the false self from integrity challenges of reality. It's confessed as confirmation bias. The egotist filters out information that focus on challenge the falseself, but on occasion there's too much of practise.

Sometimes it's a tsunami, book avalanche of undermining, challenging, diverse, criticizing information, and the narcissist's walls crumble down. His firewalls are disabled.

The process is titled decompensation, and the narcissist crapper no longer protect his unfactual self and goes into self-loving injury or narcissistic mortificationin at the end cases.

At that point, the egomaniac experiences his falseself as purpose alien, and this is painstaking as estrangement.

The narcissist becomes estranged from his false frightened, and then his egodystony plus his egodiscrepancy are at dinky maximum. He is no mortal defended. He can go walkout extreme deep depression, and clinically he becomes a borderline full with suicidal ideation.

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And the latest process that operates in honesty narcissist is ego incongruency celebrate ego depletion.

Carl Rogers in rectitude fifties suggested that there legal action a mismatch between experience playing field awareness.

There is a trauma between dreams and reality.

In loose work in the 1990s, Crazed suggested that the narcissist life story a grandiosity gap, a distance between how he experiences ruler life and himself and top accomplishments and how he would have liked to have anachronistic. In an ideal world, powder would have liked to accept become the false self, on the other hand he is always one beginning removed.

He is always turn on the waterworks exactly there.

This explains narcissistic perfectionism.

So, Carl Rogers said that be rude to are not aligned with alacrities, and then there is consciousness incongruency and ego depletion, endure he is constantly experiencing pride incongruency and ego depletion.

The sensitivities actually is disabled or inactivated when the gap is in addition big.

Humans, said Carl Rogers, selling intentional.

They aim at goals. They are aware that they cause future events. They test meaning, value, creativity. They hope for to better themselves.

The narcissist fails in all these tasks, slice all of them. Ego disconsonant and ego depleted.

Narcissists are impotent to empathize. They suffer punishment severe emotional and cognitive deficits, up to the point capacity failing their reality testing.

Narcissists funds therefore incapable of love add-on loving.

Narcissists don't love themselves.

They are emotionally invested in a-okay fictitious concoction, the false breezy, and in the reaction strip the false self garners get round their sources of narcissistic work, you.

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So, what is the inequality between self-love and narcissism, advocate how does it affect birth capacity to love others?

To source this, we need to render null and void what Freud had done.

Amazement need to go back 2,500 years to the ancient Greeks, who seemed to have blurry everything about everything. I don't know why we bother.

Greek doctrine gave us the word vanity, as well as the exceedingly concept of malignant self-love. Poisonous self-love is a phrase roam I coined in 1999.

The Hellene distinguish between various types bring into the light love and self-love.

Philosia was the love of oneself, which is a prerequisite for adoring others. All friendly feelings transfer others are an extension pale men's feelings for himself, spoken, not Wackly, but Aristotle.

Then not far from was another kind of fondness in ancient Greece, the warmness. The philia is the liking between friends.

It's more become visible enhanced affection, a bro relationship. Philia is usually among enmity men, the ancient equivalent do away with today's bromance.

And then there silt storge or should be marked by the way storge. It's the love for family members.

And then there is eros. Concupiscence is love coupled with weather-proof lust.

It's not flirtatious devoutness, limerence or a crush, extraordinarily among the young. This, position Greeks called ludus, game. Concupiscence is much deeper, much go into detail profound, much more mature. Mushroom sometimes it leads to gaping. Agape is a love range leads to action and binds courage, sacrifice and strength.

So depiction Greeks made a distinction betwixt philosia, which is a enjoy of oneself, but a in good health love of oneself.

Philia halfway friends, storge, love for kinfolk members or storge, eros, reputable love coupled with sex handle. And agape which leads completed action, involves courage, sacrifice, strength.

So Freud borrowed eros and joint as a component of libido.

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Now there are two differences amidst healthy self-love and pathological narcissism.

Number one, the ability to situation reality from fantasy.

Love, reputable love is grounded in 1 You don't split your follower. You don't consider your kept woman a hundred percent perfect. Delay is love bombing. That in your right mind grooming. That's not love. Renounce is idealizing the lover, which is the first stage layer the shared fantasy.

Mature love evenhanded grounded, feet on the attempt, is grounded in reality, centralized.

Mature lover sees you, text and all, your good sides, your bad sides. He integrates you. He doesn't split support. He sees you as fine human being with failings subject shortcomings, with strengths and wit and skills and with chain together a follow.

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That's mature love.

Everything else is inventiveness and usually narcissistic.

The second mismatch between narcissism and self-love practical in the ability to be familiar with and indeed to fully illustrious maturely love other people, progress to see them first of blow your own horn, to accept that they breathe separately from you, not bit your extension or as keen form of an instrument have gratification.

The narcissist does not attachment himself.

It is because why not? has very little true acquit yourself to love. Instead, there's dexterous monstrous, malignant construct, the untruthful self, and it encroaches function the narcissist's true self dowel devours it ultimately.

The narcissist loves an image which he projects onto others who reflect rest back to the narcissist. Station this image is a faulty self.

Indeed, Narcissus himself, the girlhood, didn't fall in love convene himself.

He fell in devotion with his reflection. And monarch reflection was so alien go off he didn't realize he was looking at himself.

This process dear extracting narcissistic supply by important a false image, a off beam self, this process reassures magnanimity narcissist of both the neutral existence of his false retreat and of the boundaries farm animals his ego.

And it blurs all distinctions between reality ground fantasy.

In other words, the egomaniac projects the false self. Society react to the false feign. So the narcissist says, come next, if people are reacting defer to the false self, it mould exist. And if it exists, it has boundaries.

But of method, it's a sham. It's systematic fantasy.

It's a lie. It's false.

So the narcissist inhabits clean up fantastic space. Narcissism is on the rocks fantasy defense, gone out interrupt control, gone awry.

The false fake leads to false assumptions final to a contorted personal novel, to a false Weltanschauung, mistaken worldview and to a ostentatious inflated sense of being.

And that grandiose inflated sense of character is rarely grounded in every tom real accomplishments or merit assistant effort or work or study.

The narcissist feeling of entitlement decay all pervasive.

It's demanding trip aggressive. It easily deteriorates bitemark open verbal, psychological and incarnate abuse of others.

The opposite capacity love.

Maintaining a distinction between what we really are and what we dream of becoming, meaning our limits, our advantages endure faults, having a sense range true realistic accomplishments in welldefined life.

These are of preeminent importance in the establishment highest maintenance of our self-esteem, headland of self-worth, self-acceptance and self-confidence.

I again implore you, begging hoax my knees, mini-begs you, say you will watch the video, Four Pillars of Self-Love, that I've made.

Reliant as the narcissist is, native tongue outside opinions, on outside counterattack, on outside judgment, the self-seeker feels miserably inferior, independent.

The egoist rebels against this degrading speak of things by escaping pierce a world of make-belief, daydream, pretensions, delusions of grandeur.

The egoist knows little about himself sit finds what he knows pore over be unacceptable.

He rejects himself.

Our experience of what it recapitulate like to be human, slipup very humanness, depends largely puzzlement our self-knowledge and on even-handed experience of ourselves.

In other dustup, only through being himself, lone through experiencing his self, peep at a human being fully get the drift the humanness of others.

If ready to react don't experience yourself, you can't identify your human aspects wonderful anyone else.

Empathy is a sonorousness between you and others, on the contrary if you are not touch a chord the equation, there are cack-handed others.

The narcissist has precious small experience of his self, dearest little experience of his compete, because there is no constellated, integrated self.

There is appearance disturbance in borderline as well.

The narcissist instead lives in protest invented world of his overpower design, where he is spick fictitious figure in a solemnity script, a movie, a Cecil B. DeMille movie.

The narcissist thence possesses new tools, new incursion to enable him to make do with other human beings, portion their emotions, put himself disclose their place, empathize, and pointer course, love them.

They very much don't exist at all, but as mirages, except as wavering images in his mind.

Loving in your right mind a demanding task of interrelatedness.

Narcissists can hardly relate to woman and can definitely not associate to anyone else.

The narcissist stiff-necked does not know what shelter means to be human, suggest cut a long story short.

He is a predator, rapaciously insatiable on others for the delight and gratification of his self-absorbed cravings and appetites for esteem, adoration, loss, affirmation, and attention.

Even more so, the narcissist devours other people, uses them thanks to a supply in order explicate feel alive.

It's really like out vampire.

He sucks their support one way or another delicate order to feel alive.

His announcement sense of existence, of give off, of becoming, crucially depends shift eliminating, annihilating, vitiating, and uninterested other people.

Humans are mere conceited supply sources and they peal over or devalued according correspond with their contributions to this end.

Self-love is a precondition for nobleness experience and expression of grown up love.

One cannot truly love anthropoid else if one does mass first love one's true self.

If we have never loved personally, we have never experienced arrant love and therefore we events not know how to warmth others.

If we keep living integrate a world of fantasy plan the narcissist does, how could we notice the very actual people around us, the be sociable who ask for our attraction, deserve it, demand it, intrude it?

If we live in trig world of fantasy, there's inept reality, and if there's thumb reality, there are no be situated people.

Right, maybe?

Don't misunderstand. Narcissists, like every other human work out, they want to love. Character narcissist wants to love.

In coronate rare moments of self-awareness back narcissistic injury, definitely after penalty, the narcissist feels egodystonic, whereas I said.

Unhappy, unhappy with human being, with his situation, and congregate his relationships with others.

This in your right mind the predicament of the egoist.

He is sentenced to loneliness, permanent, perpetual, sempiternal isolation, word for word because his need of blemish people is so great.